Santa Is An Alien

What else could he be? He must come from an advanced race of extra-terrestrials. Here’s the evidence:

  • capable of mass surveillance and big data (he knows if you’ve been bad or good) (a bit like Google, really)
  • obviously has matter replicator (a.k.a. Santa Claus machine)
  • and a matter-transmitter/teleporter (you don’t really believe he comes down the chimney, do you?)
  • he needs to live in cold temperatures
  • he can travel at enormous velocities in a flying machine


Obvious, isn’t it. Must have crash-landed on earth in the middle ages. Probably comes out once a year because his ship requires a certain astronomical alignment to function. The elves are clearly extra-terrestrials, with their pointy ears. Santa is probably furry all over, a kind of yeti, which is why he lives in the North Pole. (Not my idea. See Jeffrey Vallance, Santa Is A Wild Man).

But the most interesting thing is that he’s not into taking over the world, he just wants to give us presents. But perhaps he’s trying to lull us into a false sense of security until his mates get here. Or maybe he’s trying to wipe us out by making us eat and drink too much. (See this alarming piece – Overeat at Christmas? Be careful – your stomach could explode) Hmmmm. Bad Santa.